What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
And then he peed in my hair
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