My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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