I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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