so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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