things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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