I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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