If that was your dad, he is hot
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
