Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
