I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So here I am, sexting at work.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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