just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
