Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
someone owes me an orgasm
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
