Soap is not a condiment
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
