I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
