Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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