Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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