My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
