3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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