I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We got so high we made milksteak
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
