He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize