You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
don't judge my taste in strippers
Randomize
