Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
