sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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