Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
