well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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