I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
