when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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