He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
