I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
