just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
