I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
