did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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