This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
