Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
