Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
