I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
that is very illegal...i love you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
