Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
