you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
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Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
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he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.