he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
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WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
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I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead