It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
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Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
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finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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