My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.