Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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