Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
