Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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