One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
