You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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