Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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