In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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