Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
