remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
