girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
