I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
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Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
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Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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