i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
