if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
