You can't special order awesome
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
