My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
