I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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