am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
