remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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